Note to self : Selfish or Self First?

Speaking to my 88 year old grandmother today, I told her that I decided to turn down the position that was proposed to me - to join a board of directors that is directly related to the life I'm invested in building for myself. (I am a vendor for the market that this board oversees)

Do I want to do it ? Yes.

Do I want to share ideas & dream bigger alongside the other board members? Yes

Do I believe I have valuable knowledge and experience that would support the mission? 100%

"I said no, for right now." I told her.

"I'm proud of you."

I responded, "It's not easy to say no but I know I don't have the energy to show up fully for it right now and want the board as a collective to be as excited as I am to show up and I really don't think that is what the energy feels like right now."

I don't remember at what point she responded with a giggle and responded , "You're selfish".

To which I responded, " Yeah, I am.... but I don't see it as a bad thing, more so in a we-get-one-life to live kinda way. Learning to be in tune with my energy and notice when I am light and excited about life and when I feel bogged down and frustrated. It is simply up to me to discern which things I give my energy to. For example I love that I am able to spend time with you & the family - that is invaluable to me. And I wouldn't see you half as much as I do, if I was working an 8-5 job."

"Yes" she responds... and even if I know she doesn't get it.

I know she still means it when she says, "I'm proud of you".

"You go enjoy the sunshine. I'm going to go take a nap", she says.

I smile to myself noticing that I wouldn't be sitting in the sunshine right now if I had a normal job. Little reminders that even when things feel like a lot, you're doing this all to be able to live this life in a way you love.